Making friends after 30

“How do you make friends?” This is a question I get all the time when talking to people about our moves.

It’s a valid question. Making friends isn’t something we’re ever explicitly taught. When you’re a kid, you’re thrown into situations with new people every few years — schools, camps, sports, etc. — and you make friends kind of by default. These close proximity situations really wind down after college, and you realize the only way you know how to make friends is to see the same group day after day and find your people from there. That’s just not possible after a certain point in life, and it can be overwhelming when you move to a new place and realize you don’t have any built in community.

Making friends takes effort, but it doesn’t have to be hard. After moving to a new city 3x in my 30s, I’ve picked up some tactics that have helped me form adult friendships.

The Year of Yes

When you move to a new city, you’ve got a 6-12 month window where the invitations are flowing. Everyone you meet is interested in helping you get connected and settle in. They’ll invite you places. Your only job is to say yes.

Your friend knows one person in your new city? Yes, you want their number.

A new acquaintance invites you to lunch? Yep, you’re free.

Even if your sweet little introverted self is tired and just wants to read in bed, you say yes.

Even if you really don’t like beer (or whatever), you go to the brewery (or wherever).

Once you start to seem settled in your city, these invitations aren’t automatic anymore. Take advantage while you can.

Be the Awkward One

Be the one to ask for the phone number. Most people don’t want to put themselves out there, and more likely than not, they’ll be so grateful you asked. If they’re not, you still win because you won’t have any regrets about not asking.

And here’s a secret: it’s not actually awkward, it just feels that way because no one does it.

Put yourself out there as much as you’re comfortable with. I joined various Facebook expat groups in Tokyo and saw that people were posting about themselves to meet new people. I responded to a post from a woman who had moved from Norway, and she ended up becoming my best friend in Tokyo. [Side note: the teamLab Planets exhibit is amazing but it’s an unconventional first friend “date” — the first things you do when you get there are take off your shoes and socks, walk through a waterfall, and crawl through a room made of pillows.]

Look Everywhere

Some places I’ve met potential friends:

• A champagne tasting (thank you, Champagne Lanson)

• Being one of two people early for a class at gym

• Geneva app - a group organized by a book influencer in Chicago

• Trivia night - we were randomly paired with a stranger, and we liked each other enough to exchange numbers

• WhatsApp - I met one mom who added me to a group for parents in East Paris

• Social Media:

  • Facebook - Facebook mostly sucks, but the expat groups are useful

  • Instagram - I posted a story about moving to Paris and reconnected with a high school friend who’s lived here for a decade

  • LinkedIn - use the location filter to see who else lives in your city

• Bowie - this is an unfair advantage, but people fall in love with Bowie. She infiltrated an expat group our first weekend in Tokyo and introduced us to some of our first friends there

Potential friends are everywhere…and you still have to be the awkward one.

Don’t Hoard Friends

Once you start making connections, introduce those people to each other. Your new friends probably want new friends, and if they like you, they’ll probably like each other. Your one-on-one friendships will start to turn into friend groups, and that helps take the pressure off of always planning things yourself.

Many of my friendships in Paris are the result of this domino effect — I met a potential friend, who invited me to drinks with a couple of her friends, after which one of them invited me to drinks, then someone from those drinks invited me to coffee, and so on.

It also feels good when mutual friends hit it off. Some of my new friends who met at my birthday party have become even better friends with one another, and that makes me so happy.

Throw a Party

Host a casual party. It doesn’t need to be at your house. Just make a rough plan and text some invites.

One friend decided she wanted her expat friends to get to know each other, so she hosted “Marty Party” at a bar in her neighborhood. Another friend loves rooftop bars, so last summer she invited a 5-6 women she thought would get along to Le Perchoir Ménilmontant. During the Olympics in August, the cycling route passed right by our apartment, so I texted a few new friends the day before the race and invited them over for drinks and snacks and spectating.

Throw the party, or happy hour, or park meet up. It doesn’t have to be fancy. People just want to be invited.